Goddamnfuckinghell.
I am in my hotel near KCI, leaving tomorrow morning to go back home. Today was a rough day with bad news.
My dad had surgery this morning to remove the remaining part of the tumor in his bladder. A discussion I had with the doctor afterward brought more bad news. They had to remove more of his bladder than originally anticipated due to the depth and size of the remainder of the tumor. We already knew it was stage 4 bladder cancer and may possibly be in his bones. I was also told today that not only is the cancer in his lymph nodes, but it’s also in his liver. The doctor told me that he has had this for a while. The doctors’ plan is to do intravenous treatment on him since he is too weak for regular chemo treatments. He was told last week it is not curable. Perhaps if it had been caught early there would be a chance…
But it wasn’t. And there isn’t.
My heart just sunk. It felt just like June of 2016 all over again – when we got the news about my mom’s stage 4 glioblastoma.
What the fuck?!?! First my sister gets sick with it, my mom dies from it, and now my dad probably has but a brief time left. You try to stay positive and hopeful, yet there is reality and that really blows at certain times in our lives. It is so horrible and you feel so helpless when you are looking at losing your other parent and a sibling along with already losing a parent…all within a very short time. It can be difficult to keep your shit together.
I’m trying really hard to do that. Yes I have shed many tears over all of this and nobody should be afraid to do that – it’s not healthy to keep it in. Besides… I am human and it fucking hurts.
Luckily I am so very fortunate to have the best family and friends that a person could have and we are all there for each other. I’ll continue to stay as positive as I can – life continues to move forward for those of us left behind. We always have the memories, and those will never die.
Fuck you cancer. For a third time in too short of a time fuck you cancer.
That’s all I can write at the moment.
